Since I’ve had my second child it’s been a roller coaster emotionally speaking. It actually started much earlier but now it’s got to a point where I NEED to “talk” this out.
One day I am absolutely happy, dreaming of buying a house with a back yard in a couple of years, renewing our wows in Maldives for our 5 year anniversary and having a third child.
And then the following day it can get to a point when I want to divorce my husband and the sooner the better. The thing is…we are spending a lot of time together now. Too much for a person like me. He is on a paternity leave. So we spend the most part of the day together. I feel bored, I feel tired. Everything is familiar. I know his every bit. And now I notice things I don’t like about my husband. Like for example, he takes his decision and does something, then he tells me but only part of it (I think he does it non-intentionally). Then some time later I find out the whole thing and tell him that maybe we should’ve done it the other way. Then he goes: “Well why didn’t you tell me in the first place”. So I go: “Well I would had I known all the details”. It’s as if I should read his mind. And it didn’t just happen once. It happens again and again. And every time it reflects our family’s financial situation…not in a positive way. And all this frustration and disappointment just piles up and then it becomes a real issue. Taking the example above, what should I do? Should I take ALL the decisions for the family? But then I’m taking care of a lot of stuff already. I just don’t have time and energy to think about everything. Another reason, I want him to be a head of the family taking the major decisions. I want him to feel a man. I want to feel myself a woman, I want to know there is a strong hand to lean on. I want to feel that someone is taking care of the family. There are things I wish I never had to worry about. But then it turns out that it’s done in a wrong way. So should I just let it go and watch our money go away for nothing? But then we are not millionaires just to let it go. Anyway…and this is just one of the issues.
As I said, it is piling up. And frankly speaking, I am not 100% happy with my marriage right now. And I am too exhausted to fight for it. So always being with someone else physically, deep inside I feel lonely. And I have no friends, no family in Canada to go to for a piece of advice. I feel like I’m on the edge emotionally. Had my hubby not been so patient and loving I think we would have already been separated or close to that.
I really hope that when my hormones are in place I will regret what I have just written. I really really really hope so!!! But unfortunately that’s the way I feel right now.